Examples of Idiotic Dialogue and Stupid Moments in KQ5

[Lounge Lizard]

Greetings, rangers and adventurers of Daventry!

This is just sardonic list of things from KING'S QUEST 5 that I thought deserved to be satirized and analyzed. No, I'm not going to rant about Cedric: he's only mentioned in one point.

1. Why does the narrator sound like he's the voiceover for a 1940s or 50s educational short? The sound is really old sounding. I wonder if it is because they couldn't afford the right sound equipment yet. Actually, EVERY character sounds like the Sierra staff were lending their voices to a 1940s C-Movie. It certainly prompted them to improve their equipment for KQ6 and 7.

2. “Ooooo! Keep your eyes on the Gypsies, Graham! I don't trust them!” Oh, Cedric. Don't be such a racist. Besides, they're not real Gypsies. They're pixelated entities like yourself, except they're voiced by Western American white bad actors who are attempting to sound Romanian. Dumb owl.

3. “You may see Madame Mushka, NO-OW.” The way he enunciates sounds very forced.

4. “Warning: This cartoon contains material that may be necessary for information or clues to complete this game. Please be sure to check your inventory if you decide to skip.”

Used so often, yet the information in the cutscenes are not always IMPORTANT! Why must they tease me like these?

5.“Look, Mannanon. Look what I have for you. Take a good look what you did to my brother, Alexander! Because of you, he is doomed to spend the rest of his days as a CAT, and there's nothing I can do about it! But YOU can do something about it. Since you're the one who did this to him, you're the ONLY one to turn him BACK again. BACK to the wizard MANANON!”

“ALEXANDER!”

“I don't know how, Mordack! I'm not a wizard! I just happened to come across a magic spell and ACCIDENTLY turned your brother into a cat. I didn't mean it! Please believe me, Mordack! I don't know how to turn him back into a wizard!”

“You're holding out on me, LITTLE MAN. You're taking advantage of my good nature. BUT NOT FOR LONG! If I don't get a change of tune from you soon I'll feed your family to the CAT, starting with your DEAR MOTHER! HAHAHAHAHA!”

Hmmm. Morack's not really smart, is he? I mean, he's interrogating an underage former abused slave of Manannan's who's only experience in magic was to curse his enemies, not cure them. Alexander had a time limit upon everything he did so that Manannan wouldn't catch him and kill him, and Mordack thinks Alexander is smarter than him and his brother in reversing a spell? He's an even bigger stupid asshole than Manannan. Well, come to think about it, maybe Manannan knew that his brother was an idiot, and deliberately led him on to believe that Alexander could cure the curse, just so he could get back at the little bastard for turning him into a cat and kicking him multiple times (Did you ever do that? I did. I so wanted to kick the living crud out of Manannan for being a really shitty master and a self-important magic dependent slob. Think of it, Manannan is really stupid about many things for someone supposedly infinitely wise, and without his magic, he'd just be some nasty old guy with smelly clothes who's fun to kick). And by the way, Alexander DID NOT curse Manannan ACCIDENTLY. He know what he was doing, and Mannanan totally deserved what he got.

What Alexander REALLY should have said to Mordack was:

“HELL no! He kidnapped me, deprived me of my true name and heritage, and forced me to feed him and clean the house without being allowed to leave to buy more supplies! Do you know what it is like to throw the old asshole's chamberpot out? Have you seen how he eats? He doesn't chew his food, or cleans his beard at all! He stalks me all day, just to make sure that I haven't discovered his pornographic magazines, WHICH I HAVE! I got to enchant him because I'M SMARTER THAN HIM, AND YOU TOO! The fact that you think I have read that entire spell-book to reverse the curse on your brother means that you are REALLY stupid, like your pussy (cat) of a brother! Just search the book, and try to make me follow the magical instructions, you badly dubbed version of Emperor Ming!”

That would, of course, lead Mordack to promptly stuff Alexander into Manannan's mouth, and then realize his mistake. BOING!

6. “Madame Mushka is tired. NO MORE FOR TOO-DAY!” Bad pronunciation and accent, AS USUAL.

7. “Ah! FREE AT LAST! Now you can spend the next 500 years in a BOTTLE!”
“Good! That evil witch won't be seen for a LONG time!”

Damn. That's pretty extreme for the witch, don't you think? Unless she's one of those long living witches, she'll be a miniaturized rotting skeleton within the lamp for only a few weeks.

8. “You think you're so SMART, don't you!” Yes Mordack, I am, because you're AN IDIOT!!!

9. “I have the SOLUTION to ALL your PROBLEMS, Graham!

“While you and Cedric were gone, I did some asking around and I found that YOUR SON, Alexander, had the dubious distinction, if you may, of turning Mordack's brother, Mananan, into a cat sometime back. Obviously, this deed angered Mordack, who could do nothing about it since this particular spell could only be undone by the actual perpetrator: YOUR SON! It doesn't take a GREAT GENIUS to figure out that Mordack took your family and castle in revenge to try to persuade Alexander to restore Mananan back to his old self.”

Did Roberta Williams deliberately forget the whole story to KING'S QUEST III? Crispin speaks as if during the course of that game, Alexander was not an abducted child trying to escape: he speaks as if Alexander just came over to Mananan's house out of whimsy, and pulled a prank which resulted in Manannan turning into a cat. (Deep consideration) Come to think of it, I don't think Crispin is smart either, but he's not the worst of it. What's with King Graham acting like he never heard Alexander's story before? Surely, Alexander told his father what he had to do to escape Manannan, and was understanding of what his son had to do to escape and come home alive. I mean, ALEXANDER REALLY DID A HELL LOT OF STUFF JUST TO AVOID BEING KILLED AND CROSSING THE ENTIRE OCEAN TO GET BACK TO DAVENTRY, NOT TO MENTION SAVE HIS SISTER WHOM HE DOESN'T REMEMBER FROM A MULTIHEADED DRAGON! (*Groan!*) Anyway, the way Crispis tells his dialogue has that annoying overeager white American Western cheerful old guy sound. This is a perfect example why Americanized medieval fantasies with bad American voices are stupid (and I'm American!). Back to Crispis's speech, I could understand that Roberta may have been concerned about giving an explanation in the end about why Mordack attacked them for those who didn't play the previous games, but why did she simplify it to the point where Alexander comes across more as a little disobedient punk rather than as a sympathetic

10. “HOCUS POCUS-- ALIOCUS!” So... Did Roberta think that this was cute?

11. “Let me introduce you to my family. This is my wife, Queen Valanice, my daughter, Princess Rosella, and my son, Prince Alexander, who started THIS WHOLE MESS!

As I was playing this game, I just thought what Alexander should say in response to Graham's unbelievably idiotic and insensitive remark:

“**** YOU, DAD! I WAS KIDNAPPED, AND YOU ALLOWED IT TO ******* HAPPEN! I TURNED THE ******** INTO A CAT, BECAUSE THAT WAS THE ONLY WAY HE WOULDN'T KILL ME ONCE I ESCAPED HIS MANSION, *******! YOU'RE TELLING ME I STARTED A MESS, HUH? YOU FORMERLY YELLOW SKINED ****! NO WONDER YOU DIED SO MANY TIMES IN THE FIRST TWO KING'S QUESTS!”

I soooo wished Alexander did say that. I just don't know why Roberta made it so that Alexander was the misbehaving son, when Alexander did this long before he knew he was King Graham's son, and before King Graham knew that he was still alive.

12. On the topic of Graham shifting from yellow skin to beige, isn't interesting how he seemed much cooler when he couldn't talk and didn't look like a elderly cowboy actor from Colorado trying dressing up like Robin Hood, or Will Scarlet? Yes, I know the first one dresses up the same way, but the KQ5 rendition of him just seems kind of devolved. I used to perceive the KQ series as being the unintentional DEVO rendition of fantasy, with mutant colored pixelated heroes doing battle with every single classic folk/fairy tale character in the series. Graham, when he smiles, looks like he's about to proclaim: “Are we not men?” Well, not in the rate their personality development is going.

[Maxor127]

Yeah KQ has some terrible writing, and the bad voice acting in the CD version just makes it even worse. I never thought about what a stupid way they handled Alexander's ordeal, but it's true.