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[Rath Darkblade]

Tawmis's "Neverending Nights" inspired me to start this. I hope they make you laugh!

jTop Twenty Things Not to Say to a Dragon
(written 18 March, 2005)

20. "Whoops! Was that YOUR egg I just trod on?"
19. "Is that a knight in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"
18. "Open up and say ah!"
17. "You can't see me when I'm invisible, can you?"
16. "Anybody got a light?"
15. "Hi! My name is Arvath Dragonkiller. What's yours?"
14. "When was the last time you had a really good meal?"
13. "Ahhh, bite me!"
12. "Your momma was a flame thrower!"
11. "Why of course these are dragonskin pants!"
10. "Now I know why the Dragon's Breath in Spielburg smells so bad. "
9. "The dwarves are coming! (And hobbits too)!"
8. "You know, wrinkle cream might get rid of your scaly-skin problem. "
7. "You don't mind if I go through your treasure horde, do you?"
6. "Smoking heroes can be hazardous to your health. "
5. "So you're like, evolved from a lizard, right?"
4. "Take that, you wicked fiend!" (throwing a small bucket of water at it)
3. "I hope I give you fatal heartburn!" (while he's swallowing you whole)
2. "Aw c'mon. How tough do you think a dragon THAT old is? What's he gonna do, hit me with his walking stick?"
1. "Come and get me, you foul-smelling, bad-tempered, gas burner!"

[Datadog]

I was a paladin who spoke Draconian in a campaign once. It did not help me.

ME: "It's over, everyone, I got this. *ahem* Excuse me, Brother Dragon. May we borrow that golden gauntlet you're sitting on?"
DM: "Do a persuasion check."
ME: "Twenty!"
DM: "The dragon is impressed with your accent. It still attacks. Roll for initiative."

[Rath Darkblade]

Have you considered giving the dragon the old "Fus Ro Dah" business?

[Tawmis]

1. "Daddy needs a new pair of boots!"
2. "Clearly you have so much treasure, you can part with some of it!"
3. "Bet that tooth would make for a magical sword..."
4. "Smaug was a wuss."
5. "Tiamat? She has five heads and still can't even think straight."

[Rath Darkblade]

REALLY EVIL DM'S WANDERING MONSTER TABLE
(again, from 18 March 2005)

d% Result

01-10 Giant (100' tall) Mithril Golem.

11-20 Tiamat, her entire consort guard, and six companies of Bone Devils.

21-30 2-6 Tarrasques.

31-40 Lloth, accompanied by soldiers of House Banere, circa Homeland. ALL of them.

41-50 A Black Reaver. (It's a Rolemaster monster. Cross Lord Soth the Death Knight with The Terminator and you've got the right idea...

51-60 Elder Deity Family Outing (Cthulhu, Yog-Sothoth, Yig, Azathoth, etc...

61-70 Gojira/Godzilla, circa 1954 Japan/1956 U.S.

71-80 A cadre of Ninja Liches. (Don't ask.

81-90 Barney the purple dinosaur. (If this doesn't make the players scream, nothing will...

91-99 Sixth Annual Used Car Salesdemon Keg Party.

100 Raistlin Majere, circa War Of The Twins. In a bad mood.

[Tawmis]

REALLY EVIL DM'S WANDERING MONSTER TABLE
(again, from 18 March 2005)

d% Result

01-10 Giant (100' tall) Mithril Golem.

11-20 Tiamat, her entire consort guard, and six companies of Bone Devils.

21-30 2-6 Tarrasques.

31-40 Lloth, accompanied by soldiers of House Banere, circa Homeland. ALL of them.

41-50 A Black Reaver. (It's a Rolemaster monster. Cross Lord Soth the Death Knight with The Terminator and you've got the right idea...

51-60 Elder Deity Family Outing (Cthulhu, Yog-Sothoth, Yig, Azathoth, etc...

61-70 Gojira/Godzilla, circa 1954 Japan/1956 U.S.

71-80 A cadre of Ninja Liches. (Don't ask.

81-90 Barney the purple dinosaur. (If this doesn't make the players scream, nothing will...

91-99 Sixth Annual Used Car Salesdemon Keg Party.

100 Raistlin Majere, circa War Of The Twins. In a bad mood.

Of that list, I think rolling a 21-30 is worse that even a 100 or an 11-20.

Tarrasques should be feared by mortal, immortal, living, dead, undead, and by other Tarrasques.

[Rath Darkblade]

Oh? How are they worse than "Tiamat, her entire consort guard, and six companies of Bone Devils"?

[Tawmis]

Oh? How are they worse than "Tiamat, her entire consort guard, and six companies of Bone Devils"?

Because - everything about the Tarasque is horrible. Spells reflect off of it, like 95% of the time. Getting close to it, gets you cut apart.

It's a massive size. There's just... nothing good about them.

As we know at least Raist could drive Tiamat back.

[Rath Darkblade]

Ugh, they sound horrible! And 2-6 of them??? Is there any way to defeat a Tarrasque?

Uhm... maybe I shouldn't have asked. Here:

Seven Ways to Kill a Tarrasque (and yes, I read the whole thing)
Funniest Ways to Kill the Tarrasque

(One of which was Greater Teleporting the Tarrasque several thousand feet into the air... it was almost a complete party wipe and I was down to my last spell. I got past his SR, he failed the save, and we both went straight up. I used Freedom of Movement to get away from his grip and Feather Fell the entire distance. Once the Tarrasque hit the ground, our Wizard wished him into the sun! And yes, the party did yell at me for not just Greater Teleporting them away from the Tarrasque.)

Did you ever have to face that thing (not for real, of course!)?

I defeated a couple of Tarrasques, but only in Neverwinter Nights (in Horde of the Underdark). They're really wusses in HotU.

[Tawmis]

Ugh, they sound horrible! And 2-6 of them??? Is there any way to defeat a Tarrasque?
Uhm... maybe I shouldn't have asked. Here:
Seven Ways to Kill a Tarrasque (and yes, I read the whole thing)
Funniest Ways to Kill the Tarrasque
(One of which was Greater Teleporting the Tarrasque several thousand feet into the air... it was almost a complete party wipe and I was down to my last spell. I got past his SR, he failed the save, and we both went straight up. I used Freedom of Movement to get away from his grip and Feather Fell the entire distance. Once the Tarrasque hit the ground, our Wizard wished him into the sun! And yes, the party did yell at me for not just Greater Teleporting them away from the Tarrasque.)
Did you ever have to face that thing (not for real, of course!)?
I defeated a couple of Tarrasques, but only in Neverwinter Nights (in Horde of the Underdark). They're really wusses in HotU.

A lot of things in NWN are toned down, because it's a solo person (unless you have one handy NPC with you).

As for the Tarra - never had to face one. Don't think I was ever in a D&D campaign where the DM felt we were ready without it being a total party wipe.

[Rath Darkblade]

Some Favourite D&D Last Words
(from...guess what...18 March 2005)

1. "All right, who farted?"

2. "You can't summon an Arch-Devil just by saying 'Asmodeous, Asmodeous, Asmodeous!' "

3. "I didn't detect any traps on it, it's safe to open."

4. "Hey, how come the floor's moving?"

5. "Xandranex? That's a stupid name for an Arch-Mage!"

6. "Potion of Spontaneous Combustion, huh? Cool! I'll be able to make monsters spontaneously combust!" (Drinks it; take a guess what happens next...)

7. "Okay, I put on the magic necklace I took off the skeleton with the broken neck."

8. [playing Paranoia] "Oh, he's a fellow PSION! Cool! I ask him if he can help me increase my skill with my Machine Empathy mutation."

9. "Look, the little guy in the bar said this was perfectly safe!"

10. "Oh come on! We're only 2nd Level, he wouldn't throw a REAL demon at us! Must be an illusion."

[Rath Darkblade]

No reply...?

[Tawmis]

Most common last words in my campaign are:

"I got this..."

"I don't think the door/chest is trapped..."

"How powerful can that old man be?"

[Rath Darkblade]

Most common last words in my campaign are:

"I got this..."

"I don't think the door/chest is trapped..."

"How powerful can that old man be?"

And then he turns out to be Raistlin Majere?

[Rath Darkblade]

Some More Favourite D&D Last Words
11. "Damned symbol of evil! I deface the pentagram on the floor!"

12. (Muttered) "Man, what a bitch!" (referring to a nearby Lloth, Demon Queen of Spiders)

13. "I thought you said there were fifteen Goblins!"

14. [Cyberpunk] "Well, since I'm gonna die anyway, I pull all the pins on the thirty grenades strapped to my body and leap into the middle of the crowd of gunmen."

15. "The plaque says 'Design Copyright by Grimtooth?' What the heck does that mean?" [For those of you who don't know, "Grimtooth" is an AD&D legend at designing horrific deathtraps]

16. [Paranoia again] "I throw the tacnuke grenade at them!" [Throwing range: about 150 feet. Blast radius: About half a mile.]

17. "Watch this. With my luck, I'll pick the damn Void card."

18. "So you're a god, huh? You look like a wimp to me."

19. "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!" [Soon thereafter, there was. And it wasn't the guy who said it.]

20. "Hey, lookit that shrimp with the gold skin and hourglass eyes! Bet we can mug him!"