Just for fun: "The Return of the LOTR-type-thing"

[Rath Darkblade]

Well, after having seen the three "Hobbit" movies (the less said about movies 2 and 3, the better), I thought I'd have some fun with LOTR. So here it is...

Disclaimer: All characters are the intellectual property of J. R. R. Tolkien, obviously. Needless to say, I hope that Peter Jackson NEVER EVER takes this as a basis for his next Middle-Earth-style movie (if there is one). I'm just writing this for kicks. *G* If you can draw and would like to re-create this as a comic strip, please feel free.

The Return of Peter Jackson's Middle-Earth-Style Movie-Type-Thing

Panel 1:
King Aragorn is on his throne. Gondor messenger enters breathlessly.

Messenger: My lord! I bring dire news!
Aragorn: What is it, man?

Panel 2:

Messenger: Merry and Pippin have been kidnapped!
Aragorn: (annoyed) Not AGAIN. Who kidnapped them this time? Some dirty wizard on a ridiculous rabbit-ridden sleigh--

Panel 3:

Radagast: (offended) HEY! It's not my fault!
Aragorn: Go wash your hair, you bird-poo-ridden freak.
Radagast: Oooooooh, look who's talking - it's mister-I-never-washed-my-hair-until-I-became-king!

Panel 4:

Aragorn: --or by some maniac dwarf on on a boar?
Messenger: Yes, my lord!

Panel 5:

Aragorn: Are you serious? Merry and Pippin really HAVE been kidnapped by some maniac dwarf on on a boar?
Messenger: Yes, my lord?

Panel 6:

Dáin Ironfoot on His War Pig: MWAHHAHAHAHA!

Panel 7:

Aragorn: (thoroughly pissed) LET'S HUNT SOME PORC.
Messenger: My lord, why are you using the French version of "pork"?
Aragorn: None of your business!

[Tawmis]

Ironically, today is Tolkien's birthday.

[Rath Darkblade]

Happy 126th birthday, O Mighty Grandfather of Modern Fantasy. Here is The Cake of Rivendell!



I humbly hope that my tiny effort is a worthy tribute. (After writing the above scene, I then expanded it to create a short story in 7 little scenes, which I'm happy to share if anyone is interested).

[BBP]

Oh my word what a gorgeous cake!

[Rath Darkblade]

It is beautiful, isn't it? Kind of makes you want to preserve it in formaldehyde forever, except that you know that after a few days it would go off and start to smell.

Incidentally, under that canopy... do I spy The Ring resting on top of Galadriel's Mirror?

[Tawmis]

See... you give me a cake like that, I am just going to freeze it and never eat it. That's the problem with such astounding cakes for me.

[Rath Darkblade]

I hope you like my little LOTR parody, too. Once I had the idea, I just ran with it and created a short LOTR story in seven episodes... it should really be done as a comic strip (which is what I mean by "Panel 1", "Panel 2" etc.), but alas, I cannot draw.

Does anyone here know how to draw LOTR? Maybe we could combine and create this silly LOTR story. It could be good fun!

[Tawmis]

I hope you like my little LOTR parody, too. Once I had the idea, I just ran with it and created a short LOTR story in seven episodes... it should really be done as a comic strip (which is what I mean by "Panel 1", "Panel 2" etc.), but alas, I cannot draw.

Does anyone here know how to draw LOTR? Maybe we could combine and create this silly LOTR story. It could be good fun!

I did like it! Like you, I lack any real artistic talent. So much so, that when I used to write comic strips to parody our D&D sessions, I "borrowed" from "Knights of the Dinner Table" (KotDT) and made my own (starts here). (I'd love to one day, get an actual artist to redo these... most would never make sense to anyone who wasn't playing, but some have some standard "D&D" jokes). You can see some of my OWN drawings of my "artistic ability" from 1998.

[Rath Darkblade]

Your drawings are still better than mine. I never learned to draw anything at all, and the best I could manage was to doodle little simple faces during rehearsals that indicate pleasure, annoyance, sarcasm etc. - or a little dinosaur-shark-looking-thing that spouted awful puns about music.

At least you can draw recognisable male/female shapes. I'm impressed.

Incidentally, would you like to see the next chapter at some point?

[Tawmis]

Incidentally, would you like to see the next chapter at some point?

Bring it on, good sir!

[Rath Darkblade]

Your wish is my command...

Just to recap - where were we? Merry and Pippin have been kidnapped (AGAIN), this time by Dáin Ironfoot, King of the Iron Hills. King Aragorn of Gondor is, understandably, annoyed.

Episode 2: Ye Olde Adventure Continueth

Panel 1:
Aragorn is striding up and down in his palace, completely annoyed.

Messenger: Are you annoyed, my lord?
Aragorn: Are you lazy or something, messenger? Read that bit just above me!

Panel 2:
Leader of Gondorian War Party enters.

Warrior: The war party is assembled, my lord!
Aragorn: Good. I shall address them, then. They must know why they're fighting.
Warrior: My lord, they saw the last episode. They know that Dáin Ironfoot has gone nuts.

Panel 3:
Outside. Gondorian warriors, in full armour, on horseback.

Aragorn: Men! The Dwarves of the Iron Hills have kidnapped my friends! We must ride forth and rescue them!
Tiny Voice in the Back: We are so screwed...

Panel 4:

Aragorn: We do this not for reward, not for glory, but for our friends! So I bid you - STAND, MEN OF THE WEST!
Tiny Voice in the Back: We're already standing!
Aragorn: In that case, I bid you - RIDE, MEN OF THE WEST!
Tiny Voice in the Back: Make up your mind, already!

(But they ride off).

Panel 5:
Aragorn and the Gondor Lads arrive at the Iron Hills.

Aragorn: Well, THAT was a convenient cross-cut. Or zoom-cut. Or whatever they call it.
Peter Jackson: (off camera) No breaking the fourth wall, Viggo-- er, Aragorn-- er, ah, screw it.

Panel 6:
They continue riding along.

Aragorn: This isn't working. We need to find Dáin Ironfoot! If we don't find him soon, we're done for! And...
Gondor Lad: My lord?
Aragorn: (irritated) Yes, what is it? I'm the only named character in this scene, you know.
Gondor Lad: My lord, maybe this will help... (he points)

Panel 7:
We see three big neon signs, saying:

1. "Welcome To The Iron Hills! Ruler: Thorin III Stonehelm".

2. "To Find Dáin Ironfoot, Go To The Lonely Mountain. Go Directly To The Lonely Mountain. Do Not Pass Esgaroth. Do Not Collect 200 Silver Pennies".

3. "If You Enjoy Your Visit To The Iron Hills, Why Not Visit Our Gift Shop? You Can Buy Your Own Axe As Used By Gimli, Or The Hilarious 'I Visited The Iron Hills And All I Got Was This Wonderful Tunic' Tunic."

(Pause.)

Aragorn: Darn it! (fade to black)

[Rath Darkblade]

Hmm... no reply, eh?