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[Rath Darkblade]

Randomly Absurd D&D Party Scenes and One-Liners

1. One of my favorites from our campaign back in college:

DM: You come to a t-intersection.

Player: I drink the tea!

2. DM: The tree is full of kobolds perched on the branches. What do you want to do?

Me: Hmm. (Considers spell list) Is there anything flammable in the tree? (All other players stare at me)

I am ashamed to say that it took me a full minute to realize why they all started laughing at me. Not my proudest moment.

3. From my group: "No, you can't intimidate a demon with a severed head! They saw 10 of those before breakfast."

4. DM: "The night passes without incident."

PC: "I KILL IT AND LOOT THE BODY!"

5. "No, the giant man-eating bone-spider doesn't like pickles."

[Tawmis]

Randomly Absurd D&D Party Scenes and One-Liners
1. One of my favorites from our campaign back in college:
DM: You come to a t-intersection.
Player: I drink the tea!

Sounds like me when I am a player!

2. DM: The tree is full of kobolds perched on the branches. What do you want to do?
Me: Hmm. (Considers spell list) Is there anything flammable in the tree? (All other players stare at me)
I am ashamed to say that it took me a full minute to realize why they all started laughing at me. Not my proudest moment.

[Rath Darkblade]

More Randomly Absurd D&D Party Scenes and One-Liners

6. "Did you eat a +2 Pickle before battle? Because it's not a free action."

7. "I cast Wall of Horse."

(Well, to be honest, that's what cavalry is all about! Doesn't Glorfindel do something similar in the LOTR books - and Arwen in the movies)?

8. "Let me fight! I can take them! I'm strong! See how strong I am?!?" -Dragonborn Ranger at our last session as we are surrounded by hundreds of enemies.

9. (explaining mounts to a new player) “You have to leave the dinosaur outside of the dungeon.”

10. “I shout ‘hewwo?!’ into the cave!”
— the gnome cleric

[Tawmis]

7. "I cast Wall of Horse."
(Well, to be honest, that's what cavalry is all about! Doesn't Glorfindel do something similar in the LOTR books - and Arwen in the movies)?

Is that similar to Wall of Force? For me - if a character has a tie to something - and the spell does something (say like Wall of Force) and they're Druids or Rangers or something, I am all for changing it for visual to be Wall of Horse or something.

8. "Let me fight! I can take them! I'm strong! See how strong I am?!?" -Dragonborn Ranger at our last session as we are surrounded by hundreds of enemies.

Heh - that'd make sense if they were a Hoard Breaker... Which I think is a Ranger subset for 5e.

9. (explaining mounts to a new player) “You have to leave the dinosaur outside of the dungeon.”

We don't serve their kind here.

That said - I am looking to play D&D again with my people.

[Rath Darkblade]

Well... here's something to put you in the D&D mood...

Even More Random D&D Party Scenes and One-Liners

11. Last session, the warblade tried to enter a house by breaking through the window full force.

The room he chose happened to be the alchemist's lab. The "Oh, ****" look was priceless as he crashed, face first, into a decanter full of alchemist's fire.

12. “Please don’t buy 84,400 chickens…”
— A very tired DM

13. “I attempt to seduce the dragon.”

“Are you sure?”

“I have +5 modifier to Diplomacy!”

“Fine. You attempt to seduce the Black Dragon.”

14. “Noooo! I only know Lesser Restoration, so don’t walk into lava!”

15. “This is a jail break! Please open the door!”
— our paladin, trying to get into the (unlocked) jail.

[Tawmis]

13. “I attempt to seduce the dragon.”
“Are you sure?”
“I have +5 modifier to Diplomacy!”
“Fine. You attempt to seduce the Black Dragon.”

Well, Dragons are vain...

Every DM plays them different. In my campaign, Dragons have only recently returned to the world... and the Chromatic Dragons are ruthless and furious. (Turns out, a powerful wizard lured all dragonkind into a dimension thousands of years ago - and learned to siphon the magic born of dragons into the world - so for thousands of years, Wizards were not tapping into the world's magic - but that of the dragons - and essentially siphoning their life). The Metallic Dragons are furious, but because of their good alignment are more forgiving - but still, over all, do not interact with mortals.

[Rath Darkblade]

Wow. I guess that proves the old saying: "Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for they shall eat you for lunch."

What happens if the mortals interact with the Metallic Dragons? Would they understand mortality's ignorance of what was actually happening? Might they - or at least one - be willing to co-operate with mortals, if the world was in danger?

(Oh, and isn't the world always in danger - or at least part of it? That's what makes the hook of a D&D adventure! Come on an adventure with me, brave lads and lasses, for the very fate of the world hangs in the balance!!

...or something like that.)

[Tawmis]

Wow. I guess that proves the old saying: "Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for they shall eat you for lunch."
What happens if the mortals interact with the Metallic Dragons? Would they understand mortality's ignorance of what was actually happening? Might they - or at least one - be willing to co-operate with mortals, if the world was in danger? (Oh, and isn't the world always in danger - or at least part of it? That's what makes the hook of a D&D adventure! Come on an adventure with me, brave lads and lasses, for the very fate of the world hangs in the balance!!
...or something like that.)

I like to play every race in D&D as unique - so while the majority of any race may be vile and angry - you may find the occasional one that does not share the beliefs of their kin. So even the metallic dragons, which are of "good" alignment - though their brethren may be furious with mortals for what they were doing - you may find a forgiving Copper Dragon, for example, who understands that mortals were not aware of where the magic was coming from.

Because of the fury of the Chromatic Dragons; the metallic dragons are almost forced to also forgive good natured mortals; because Chromatic Dragons are so furious, they're wiping out life left and right - forcing alliances.

[Rath Darkblade]

16. “What are my hit points as Santa Claus?”
— Our resident shapeshifting witch.

(My answer would be... very few. But on the plus side, you have amazing Charisma -Ed.)

17. “I would feel confident fighting a baby!”

- Our Dwarf Cleric as the party was deciding whether it should attempt to fight a set of 2 Wyrmling Black Dragons.

18. DM: The banana declares “I am death, destroyer of worlds!”

Player: I put him in my bag.

19. We come across this illusoinary floor (actually a pit filled with acidic Gelatinous Cubes). Everyone but the thief falls in. He finds a secret passage that circumvents the pit. It's dark, so he's moving at 1/2 speed. Everyone in the pit is immediately set upon by 2 huge Gelatinous Cubes. The monk falls directly into one of the cubes and has to fight his way out. Over the 2 rounds that he's in the cube, everything he has that is not Magical starts to dissolve. As a Monk, all he's wearing are robes and they dissolve immediately. His only magic items are 2 healing potions. The monks fight my way out and thanks to his increased monk speed manages to run to the opposite side if the trap and climb out through the imaginary floor. At this exact time the thief finally crawls his way through the secret passage and opens the hidden to the other side of the trap.

The DM: "You quietly crack open the door and see the passage way on the other side of the trap. You then see the monk, completely naked, breathing hard, covered in some sort of clear goo and holding a potion in each hand..."

Thief: "I close the door!"

20. After being released from prison by my party, my wizard (a notorious prankster) went to another cell of prisoners, cast Invisibility on the bars, and said, "Run! Be free, my friends!"

Immediately several ran straight into the bars and one knocked himself unconscious...

[Tawmis]

16. “What are my hit points as Santa Claus?”
— Our resident shapeshifting witch.
(My answer would be... very few. But on the plus side, you have amazing Charisma -Ed.)

You are much kinder than I am. I would say, "You take 6D20 damage."

Because technically they wouldn't know who or what a Santa Claus was. So I punish them for breaking immersion.

17. “I would feel confident fighting a baby!”
- Our Dwarf Cleric as the party was deciding whether it should attempt to fight a set of 2 Wyrmling Black Dragons.

Where there's wyrmling dragons... there's an angry momma or papa dragon....

18. DM: The banana declares “I am death, destroyer of worlds!”
Player: I put him in my bag.

Wouldn't it continue to produce sounds though? So hopefully the thief didn't pick it up.
(And... uh... why is a banana talking?)

20. After being released from prison by my party, my wizard (a notorious prankster) went to another cell of prisoners, cast Invisibility on the bars, and said, "Run! Be free, my friends!"
Immediately several ran straight into the bars and one knocked himself unconscious...

Now that's pretty funny.

[Rath Darkblade]

16. “What are my hit points as Santa Claus?”
— Our resident shapeshifting witch.
(My answer would be... very few. But on the plus side, you have amazing Charisma -Ed.)

You are much kinder than I am. I would say, "You take 6D20 damage."

Because technically they wouldn't know who or what a Santa Claus was. So I punish them for breaking immersion.

Now that's evil.

17. “I would feel confident fighting a baby!”
- Our Dwarf Cleric as the party was deciding whether it should attempt to fight a set of 2 Wyrmling Black Dragons.

Where there's wyrmling dragons... there's an angry momma or papa dragon....

What are you doing with my baby?! Put my baby down this instant!!

18. DM: The banana declares “I am death, destroyer of worlds!”
Player: I put him in my bag.

Wouldn't it continue to produce sounds though? So hopefully the thief didn't pick it up.
(And... uh... why is a banana talking?)

I don't know! OTOH, there's a reason why this section is called "randomly absurd".

[Rath Darkblade]

Only two this week because the second one is long, but it's worth it...

Even More Randomly Absurd D&D Party Scenes and One-Liners

21. Paladin: I charge the wizard on my warhorse and holding my lance!

*rolls a one*

DM: You have pole-vaulted over the wizard and right into the pig trough...

Wizard: Um, where did the paladin go?

Paladin: Ah... help me out of here... please?

And that's how the wizard and the paladin met and went on their adventure...

22. Way back when I was in the RPGA, I made a character for what they called "Living City", which was basically a first-stab attempt at having persistent characters at convention events.

I re-created one of my favorite D&D characters, a barbarian lovingly called "Og the Destroyer". I couldn't make him a half-ogre as his tabletop equivalent, but I could make him a large human. Og had a maxed-out strength and almost maxed out constitution, and consequently, had a pretty weak intelligence and wisdom (I didn't use charisma as a dump-stat for him).

He also talked in broken English. Living City was point-based, so in the end, after asking the judge if I could put LESS than 6 points in a stat (rules stated 6 was the minimum, the judge said "I don't see why, but sure..."), I had Og. Massive in body, tiny on mind, first level, wielding a two-handed sword +1 (you could take a single simple magic item) that he could attack twice in the first round and once in the second (ahh... those 2nd edition alternating 2/1 attack rounds).

We go around the table. Six of us, which is standard in most RPGA events. Everyone introduces themselves. Most are true role-players and start introducing their characters in perfect faux-medieval-English accents telling of their lineage and might; each one taking about 2 to 4 minutes giving background... then it gets to me.

"ME OG!! OG SMASH!!" *thumps chest for effect*

---unsettling silence as the rest of the group stare wide-eyed at me wondering if there was anything else to this---

DM: "So... what else does Og do?"

Me: "Uhhh.... OG EAT!! SOMETIME OG EAT WHAT OG SMASH!!"

I then go into a detailed physical description of Og the Destroyer for the other player's benefits and pretty much leave them with the unspoken idea that if they want more about Og, they'll have to ask him themselves....

The game starts. We're tasked to go to the other end of town and retrieve something for an alchemist. We start heading out. Suddenly, a 10-year-old kid comes running from a dark alley screaming "Help, help! My sister is being mugged!" It's the most obvious set-up for an ambush you could have. None of the other party members fall for it and begin questioning the kid. Og draws his sword and goes charging into the alley.

He's the ONLY one to go charging into the alley.

DM: "Six thieves jump from the shadows brandishing short swords. Og is seriously outnumbered"...

Me: "Og grins viciously and attacks the first one..." *roll... hit...14 points of damage... dead!*

Me: "Second attack, his return sweep goes for the second one..." *roll... hit... 13 points of damage... dead!*

DM: "Thieves turn.. they stab at Og!" *roll-miss, roll-hit, 2 points, roll-miss, roll-miss (only the closest 4 can attack, Og has like 12 HP at level 1)* "Back to Og"

---the rest of the party are STILL interrogating the kid! The DM tells them they think they hear sword fighting in the alley---

Me: "Og tries to run the third thief through!" *roll-hit... 15 points of damage*

DM: "Jeez! What's Og's MINIMUM damage he can do in a strike?!"

Me: "9"

DM: "He's dead, just tell me if he hits! The thieves attack..." *roll-miss, roll-hit 3 points of damage, roll-miss*

Me: "Og arcs his massive blade in a twirling motion and goes to behead the 4th thief..." *roll...hit...* "...then reverses his arc slicing into the 5th thief" *roll...hit...*

---FINALLY, the rest of the party is running up into the alley to see what happened to Og---

DM: "The last thief cowers and wets himself as Og strides up to him having killed five of his guildmates single-handedly. It's too late for him to run; there's no escape... he lashes out feebly" *rolls...miss*

---The rest of the party are now finally IN the alley and see the bloody carnage---

DM: "Suddenly... SIX MORE thieves jump down into the alley from the surrounding rooftops! Everyone else roll initiative! Og, you're up."

Me: "Og walks up to the last of the original group of thieves and just brains him on the forehead with his sword's pommel." *roll...hit... 9 points subdual damage, thief is out cold*

Me: "Og turns around and with sword over his shoulder walks past everyone fighting thieves and mutters to no one in particular: 'OG DO ALL WORK! NOW YOU TURN! OG GET BEER.' and leaves the alley the way he came in search of the nearest tavern."

The DM laughing so hard he nearly fell off his chair. One of the players playing a paladin was yelling, "Wait! Og! More thieves, Og! We need you! Come back!!"

[Tawmis]

Not one of the jokey / funny things - but since the thread is just called "The D&D Corner" - I figure I will ask.

I am not sure if you're currently playing D&D (5th Edition, ideally, because that's what this relates to...)

Every time the party comes to (or is approaching) a town, I offer my players a chance to switch out their characters - just in case they're not having fun with their current characters.

So I am going through Horde of the Dragon Queen - and my wife has kept her character as a Dragonborn Monk - but recently (they just got out of the lodge, if you're familiar with the campaign) - she has asked to change.

I've seen other people who say Monks are major damage dealers, but she wasn't feeling it.

Have you had folks play Monks before? What were their thoughts?

[Rath Darkblade]

I haven't played D&D since 2nd Ed, and haven't really read D&D books since 3.5 Ed. So I might not be the best person to ask.

Having said that, I've seen the rules (even if I haven't applied them)... and monks strike me pretty much as a kind of warrior/wizard hybrid - i.e. not as well-protected or dealing as much damage as a warrior, but tougher than a wizard. Like a wizard, also, monks are a bit weak to start with but become more and more awesome as they level up and get more feats.

If your wife wants to change, and you're happy with that, why not?

[Tawmis]

I haven't played D&D since 2nd Ed, and haven't really read D&D books since 3.5 Ed. So I might not be the best person to ask.
Having said that, I've seen the rules (even if I haven't applied them)... and monks strike me pretty much as a kind of warrior/wizard hybrid - i.e. not as well-protected or dealing as much damage as a warrior, but tougher than a wizard. Like a wizard, also, monks are a bit weak to start with but become more and more awesome as they level up and get more feats.
If your wife wants to change, and you're happy with that, why not?

Ah, if you enjoyed 2nd Edition - 5th Edition is a piece of Heaven.
I enjoyed 3rd and 3.5 - but there was something off.
4th edition I despised.
5th Edition is like... everything is perfect.

As for changing - I don't mind. This party of players keep me on my toes and I'd say of the planned campaign I usually have - I am improvising 95% of it, because they do some off the wall thinking - so I am constantly needing to change on the spot. So them changing out a character never bothers me, which is why I always offer a chance to switch when they reach a village. To me, the most important thing is that my players are enjoying themselves.

I already had a druid change out to a ranger character, when they got to a spot. I just had the druid have visions of a forest being destroyed by a specific green dragon, to the point he became feverish - so the party moved on without him - and a few campaigns later met the ranger outside the castle they're about to try and infiltrate. So my wife is changing her dragonborn monk to a gnome sorcerer (she loves gnomes) - which is easy. I am going to have her monk stay and help the prisoners of the village get back to their homes (they're prisoners of captured caravans, which the party has been tracking). And her sorcerer will be in the village, tracking the cult whose doing all this, because they have a powerful magical item (already established) that the sorcerer is trying to get her hands on to study. And our half-orc barbarian is switching out to a gnome wizard; already brought the gnome wizard in at the lodge portion where he was a prisoner. So the party rescued him; so that player was doing both characters for one session. At the village he will be leaving with the monk to escort the people.

So, once they tell me what they want - I weave it all in and do what I always do - improvise.