The Hobbit movie (slightly condensed!)
Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2013 6:20 pm
WARNING: Please do not read if you haven't seen the movie, as the following has a few spoilers!
That said, here's a silly idea...
The Hobbit movie
(slightly condensed)
Bilbo: I just want some peace and quiet.
Gandalf: Nope, sorry.
(13 assorted dwarves cram into Bilbo's house, make a racket and a mess, and nearly smash his priceless crockery.)
13 Dwarves: We're going on an adventure! And you're coming too!
Bilbo: What?!
Thorin: Aye. As the only one here with an established back-story, it is my solemn duty to inform you that you will be accompanying us.
(Cue flashback, involving a re-written Battle of Azanulbizar, which actually makes a little sense).
Thorin: Now let's go on an adventure!
Bilbo: OK, but first I'll sleep in for a bit and then show up at the last moment.
(They all go adventurin'. Azog shows up again to give Thorin an adversary, and chases the dwarves up and down and all over the place. It is dangerous.)
Three Trolls: Mutton again?!?
Bilbo: Let's try pickpocketing.
Trolls: What's a buhobbit?
(Trolls battle the dwarves, and it is dangerous. Gandalf saves the day and they go off again. Then Radagast shows up.)
Radagast: Strange and terrible things have been seen in the forest! An evil power has arisen in Dol Guldur!
Gandalf: That's fine, but why in the name of sanity do you have a sleigh drawn by bunnies?!?
Bilbo: And why is there bird poo in your hair?
Radagast: Strange and inexplicable is the power of Sauron! Whoops, now I'll act as a distraction!
(Radagast FLIES off the ground with his bunnies to distract Azog and his wargs while Thorin and Co. make it to Rivendell.)
Elrond: Welcome all! Let me advance the plot and then you can all march off in a huff because it's well known that dwarves don't like elv--
Thorin and Co.: Too late! Nyah nyah!
(The dwarves march off in a huff and get stuck on a mountain. It is dangerous. In the meantime, a meeting is summoned in Rivendell.)
Gandalf: Signs of terribleness have been seen all over Middle Earth.
Saruman: Boo! Pooh!
(Galadriel and Gandalf completely ignore Saruman and have a telepathic conversation, thus ruining Christopher Lee's part. Meanwhile, the dwarves get captured by goblins, and it is dangerous.)
Great Goblin: (speaks incomprehensibly)
Gandalf: RAH!
(Completely out of nowhere, Gandalf saves the day, and Thorin and Co. start running again, and it is dangerous. In the meantime, they mislay Bilbo.)
Bilbo: (nearly gets squished) Hey, watch it!
Gollum: What's it got in its pocketses, precious?
(You guessed it - it's time for Bilbo to run off again, and it is dangerous, but somehow he makes it through).
Bilbo: Yay! I'm free!
Thorin and Co.: Where's our burglar?
Bilbo: Here I am!
Thorin: Well aren't you a barrel of laughs, Mr Too-Much-Trouble-For-His-Own-Good Hobbit.
(Azog and the wargs show up again, and it is dangerous. Thorin battles Azog, and it is dangerous, but Bilbo saves the day.)
Thorin: I have learned humility. Well done, Mr Saves-The-Day Hobbit.
(Without any warning or explanation, the Eagles show up, save the dwarves, and fly off.)
Audience who have read the book: Hey, what happened to the meeting with Gwaihir?
Audience who have not read the book: Shh! We're trying to watch a movie!
THE END
(until the next movie)
That said, here's a silly idea...
The Hobbit movie
(slightly condensed)
Bilbo: I just want some peace and quiet.
Gandalf: Nope, sorry.
(13 assorted dwarves cram into Bilbo's house, make a racket and a mess, and nearly smash his priceless crockery.)
13 Dwarves: We're going on an adventure! And you're coming too!
Bilbo: What?!
Thorin: Aye. As the only one here with an established back-story, it is my solemn duty to inform you that you will be accompanying us.
(Cue flashback, involving a re-written Battle of Azanulbizar, which actually makes a little sense).
Thorin: Now let's go on an adventure!
Bilbo: OK, but first I'll sleep in for a bit and then show up at the last moment.
(They all go adventurin'. Azog shows up again to give Thorin an adversary, and chases the dwarves up and down and all over the place. It is dangerous.)
Three Trolls: Mutton again?!?
Bilbo: Let's try pickpocketing.
Trolls: What's a buhobbit?
(Trolls battle the dwarves, and it is dangerous. Gandalf saves the day and they go off again. Then Radagast shows up.)
Radagast: Strange and terrible things have been seen in the forest! An evil power has arisen in Dol Guldur!
Gandalf: That's fine, but why in the name of sanity do you have a sleigh drawn by bunnies?!?
Bilbo: And why is there bird poo in your hair?
Radagast: Strange and inexplicable is the power of Sauron! Whoops, now I'll act as a distraction!
(Radagast FLIES off the ground with his bunnies to distract Azog and his wargs while Thorin and Co. make it to Rivendell.)
Elrond: Welcome all! Let me advance the plot and then you can all march off in a huff because it's well known that dwarves don't like elv--
Thorin and Co.: Too late! Nyah nyah!
(The dwarves march off in a huff and get stuck on a mountain. It is dangerous. In the meantime, a meeting is summoned in Rivendell.)
Gandalf: Signs of terribleness have been seen all over Middle Earth.
Saruman: Boo! Pooh!
(Galadriel and Gandalf completely ignore Saruman and have a telepathic conversation, thus ruining Christopher Lee's part. Meanwhile, the dwarves get captured by goblins, and it is dangerous.)
Great Goblin: (speaks incomprehensibly)
Gandalf: RAH!
(Completely out of nowhere, Gandalf saves the day, and Thorin and Co. start running again, and it is dangerous. In the meantime, they mislay Bilbo.)
Bilbo: (nearly gets squished) Hey, watch it!
Gollum: What's it got in its pocketses, precious?
(You guessed it - it's time for Bilbo to run off again, and it is dangerous, but somehow he makes it through).
Bilbo: Yay! I'm free!
Thorin and Co.: Where's our burglar?
Bilbo: Here I am!
Thorin: Well aren't you a barrel of laughs, Mr Too-Much-Trouble-For-His-Own-Good Hobbit.
(Azog and the wargs show up again, and it is dangerous. Thorin battles Azog, and it is dangerous, but Bilbo saves the day.)
Thorin: I have learned humility. Well done, Mr Saves-The-Day Hobbit.
(Without any warning or explanation, the Eagles show up, save the dwarves, and fly off.)
Audience who have read the book: Hey, what happened to the meeting with Gwaihir?
Audience who have not read the book: Shh! We're trying to watch a movie!
THE END
(until the next movie)
No one wants to comment? I may cry... 
.