Least Flattering, Worst, Most Embarrassing Royal Nicknames
Posted: Thu Apr 25, 2024 5:43 am
So, I'm just wondering. 
There are more than a few kings known as "The Great" -- the best known are Alfred the Great (of England), Charles (aka Charlemagne), Alexander the Great, Peter the Great (of Russia) and so on. The coolest, in my not-so-humble, is King Scorpion II of Thinis (ancient Egypt). How metal is that? 
Can you just imagine some heavy metal group growling a song about KING SCORPION!!! YEAH!!!
There are quite a few kings nicknamed "The Brave", "The Strong", "The Wise" and so on. I can imagine such kings being puffed up with pride. Possibly they even deserved their nicknames. But what are some of the worst (and most deserved? I'm not interested in nicknames that make sense, like "King So-And-So The Lazy" which is given to some king because he focused on consolidating his power. But if a king is called "the Lazy" because he was definitely lazy ... that's different).
So let's see:
12. William the Bastard
Everyone knows this guy, more famously known as William the Conqueror. He was known as "the Bastard" because he was literally an illegitimate child; although his father was the Duke of Normandy, his mother was the wife of a poor tanner (or leatherworker).
When besieging a castle once, the defenders hung animal hides from the wall and shouted "Hides for the tanner." After he took the castle, he had their hands and feet chopped off. (OK, so as far as "Yo mama" jokes go, that one's bad. He's got the right to be touchy. But still ...)
11. Ivalyo the Lettuce (aka the Radish or the Swineherd)
Ivaylo was a poor pig farmer in Bulgaria. In 1277, Bulgaria was struggling both with the Tatar invaders and an economic crisis. Ivalyo put together an efficient peasant army that defended Northern Bulgaria against the Tatars and defeated them in several battles. Instead of being grateful, the Bulgar Tsar Constantine chose to wage war against the peasants; but against all odds, his army was routed and Constantine was killed.
With Bulgaria still under threat from both the Tatars and the Byzantines, the widowed Queen Maria chose to marry Ivalyo and make him the new Tsar. He went on to beat both the Tatars and the Byzantines with his army of peasants, but eventually met his match in King Georgi Terter of Tsarnovo. Ivalyo went to a rival, Nogai (the leader of the Tatars) for help. Instead, Nogai killed him.
His various nicknames refer to his humble farming background. As kings go, he wasn't particularly bad, but could never get the support of the various Bulgar noblemen.
10. John the Babymaker
John II ruled Cleves from 1481 until his death in 1521. He fathered sixty-three (!!!) illegitimate children before his marriage, and three 'legitimate' kids during his marriage to Anna of Katzenelnbogen.
Presumably this left him with very little time for actual kinging.
9. William The Greatest Debauchee Of The Age
William III was King of the Netherlands and Grand Duke of Luxembourg from 1849 until his death in 1890. He also had what you could call 'an enthusiasm for extra-marital relations.' Apparently The New York Times called him 'the Greatest Debauchee.' I wonder if they forgot about John the Babymaker.
8. Piero The Unfortunate
Piero di Lorenzo de' Medici was the Gran maestro of Florence from 1492 until 1494. He was feeble, arrogant, and undisciplined - but because his dad was named Lorenzo the Magnificent, he was given a chance at leadership.
Spoiler alert - he blew it. He abandoned an with France in favor of one with Naples, lost control of the city when the French invaded, and was then ousted from power when the people revolted, plundered the Medici Palace, and exiled his family from Florence.
As if that wasn't bad enough, he eventually drowned crossing a river while fleeing from a battle in 1503.
7. Lulach The Foolish
Lulach mac Gille Coemgáin was nicknamed "the Simple-minded" or "the Foolish," yet he still managed to be King of Scots in 1057. The stepson of Macbeth, Lulach was the first king in Scotland that there are coronation details for - but his reign was weak, and he was assassinated less than a year into the job.
6. John George The Beer Jug
John George I, Elector of Saxony (king 1611-1656) was politically smart, but not a great ruler. He decided that the Thirty Years' War (a particularly unlovely religious war) was not for him, so he simply went down to his local (I presume it was called The Cabbage and Schnitzel), got a few pints, and waited for the whole thing to blow over. What? Some kings prefer to wait in the pub.
His people were not very forgiving, and started calling him 'John-George Beer-jug', making him sound like a footballer's dodgy mate.
He's also distantly related to the British Royal Family, so if anyone wants to know what the reign of Prince Harry would be like…
5. Louis the Unavoidable
Poor old Louis XVIII of France spent much of his reign in the late 18th century in exile due to the French Revolution. When things began to stabilise once after Napoleon's defeat in 1815, Louis was deemed the 'unavoidable' choice to reclaim the throne. Talk about a blow to his self-esteem!
4. Halfdan the Bad Entertainer
King of Norway, having taken over from his father King Eystein (who had an even more embarrassing nickname). His real name was Halfdan Eysteinsson, King of Uppsala, and he was said to have been a brave and brilliant warrior in battle who was something of a champion when it came to pillaging and bringing back the spoils of war to his kingdom.
So it may seem a bit strange that he wasn't known as Halfdan the Mighty or Halfdan the Brave, but ended up with a nickname that makes him sound like he was crap at charades or something.
The real reason he went down in history as The Bad Entertainer is simple: although he gifted land and money to the men who served under him in battle, he was a bit mean with the drinks and snacks when they visited him at his home.
So always break out the booze and biscuits for your visitors. If you forget, they won't.
3. Eystein the Fart
Formally known as Eystein Halfdansson (also father of Halfdan the Bad Entertainer), an 8th century king of Norway. The epithet "Fart" is usually taken to mean that he was a busybody or loudmouth, although no definitive explanation has yet been found.
He was definitely a mighty fighter, was quick to battle and had fast ships, so perhaps the nickname came about because he was so fast, it was as if he was propelled by a wind? (And the word "wind" reminded someone of "fart"?) Who knows.
2. Archibald the Loser
If you want proof that insults don't change much, there's the story of Archibald Douglas (4th Earl of Douglas, born back in 1372). He was the son of the equally unfortunately nicknamed Archibald the Grim and inherited the Earldom. So why "The Loser"?
Archibald wasn't short of bravery; he took part in numerous major battles (e.g. Homildon Hill, the Battle of Shrewsbury and the Battle of Verneuil), but he ended up on the losing side every time. He lost an eye to the English at Homildon Hill and one of his testicles (!!!) at the Battle of Shrewsbury. Maybe he was named "The Loser" because he lost bits of himself on the battlefield? Nevertheless, at the Battle of Verneuil (between England and France, 1424), he lost his life.
1. Séamus an Chaca
Alas for poor James II, perhaps England's most rubbish King. In 1685 he inherited a state that was peaceful, prosperous, and financially secure ... and yet he messed it all up faster in three years.
Never one to miss the opportunity for a strop, he chucked the Great Seal into the Thames and legged it to Ireland where he made some lovely new allies, before promptly deserting them. They showed their appreciation appropriately, and dubbed him Séamus an Chaca (or, in English, "James the S**t"). Charming!
What are some of your favourites?
There are more than a few kings known as "The Great" -- the best known are Alfred the Great (of England), Charles (aka Charlemagne), Alexander the Great, Peter the Great (of Russia) and so on. The coolest, in my not-so-humble, is King Scorpion II of Thinis (ancient Egypt). How metal is that? Can you just imagine some heavy metal group growling a song about KING SCORPION!!! YEAH!!! There are quite a few kings nicknamed "The Brave", "The Strong", "The Wise" and so on. I can imagine such kings being puffed up with pride. Possibly they even deserved their nicknames. But what are some of the worst (and most deserved?
I'm not interested in nicknames that make sense, like "King So-And-So The Lazy" which is given to some king because he focused on consolidating his power. But if a king is called "the Lazy" because he was definitely lazy ... that's different).So let's see:
12. William the Bastard
Everyone knows this guy, more famously known as William the Conqueror. He was known as "the Bastard" because he was literally an illegitimate child; although his father was the Duke of Normandy, his mother was the wife of a poor tanner (or leatherworker).
When besieging a castle once, the defenders hung animal hides from the wall and shouted "Hides for the tanner." After he took the castle, he had their hands and feet chopped off. (OK, so as far as "Yo mama" jokes go, that one's bad. He's got the right to be touchy. But still ...)
11. Ivalyo the Lettuce (aka the Radish or the Swineherd)
Ivaylo was a poor pig farmer in Bulgaria. In 1277, Bulgaria was struggling both with the Tatar invaders and an economic crisis. Ivalyo put together an efficient peasant army that defended Northern Bulgaria against the Tatars and defeated them in several battles. Instead of being grateful, the Bulgar Tsar Constantine chose to wage war against the peasants; but against all odds, his army was routed and Constantine was killed.
With Bulgaria still under threat from both the Tatars and the Byzantines, the widowed Queen Maria chose to marry Ivalyo and make him the new Tsar. He went on to beat both the Tatars and the Byzantines with his army of peasants, but eventually met his match in King Georgi Terter of Tsarnovo. Ivalyo went to a rival, Nogai (the leader of the Tatars) for help. Instead, Nogai killed him.
His various nicknames refer to his humble farming background. As kings go, he wasn't particularly bad, but could never get the support of the various Bulgar noblemen.
10. John the Babymaker
John II ruled Cleves from 1481 until his death in 1521. He fathered sixty-three (!!!) illegitimate children before his marriage, and three 'legitimate' kids during his marriage to Anna of Katzenelnbogen.
Presumably this left him with very little time for actual kinging.
9. William The Greatest Debauchee Of The Age
William III was King of the Netherlands and Grand Duke of Luxembourg from 1849 until his death in 1890. He also had what you could call 'an enthusiasm for extra-marital relations.' Apparently The New York Times called him 'the Greatest Debauchee.' I wonder if they forgot about John the Babymaker.
8. Piero The Unfortunate
Piero di Lorenzo de' Medici was the Gran maestro of Florence from 1492 until 1494. He was feeble, arrogant, and undisciplined - but because his dad was named Lorenzo the Magnificent, he was given a chance at leadership.
Spoiler alert - he blew it. He abandoned an with France in favor of one with Naples, lost control of the city when the French invaded, and was then ousted from power when the people revolted, plundered the Medici Palace, and exiled his family from Florence.
As if that wasn't bad enough, he eventually drowned crossing a river while fleeing from a battle in 1503.
7. Lulach The Foolish
Lulach mac Gille Coemgáin was nicknamed "the Simple-minded" or "the Foolish," yet he still managed to be King of Scots in 1057. The stepson of Macbeth, Lulach was the first king in Scotland that there are coronation details for - but his reign was weak, and he was assassinated less than a year into the job.
6. John George The Beer Jug
John George I, Elector of Saxony (king 1611-1656) was politically smart, but not a great ruler. He decided that the Thirty Years' War (a particularly unlovely religious war) was not for him, so he simply went down to his local (I presume it was called The Cabbage and Schnitzel), got a few pints, and waited for the whole thing to blow over. What? Some kings prefer to wait in the pub.
His people were not very forgiving, and started calling him 'John-George Beer-jug', making him sound like a footballer's dodgy mate.
He's also distantly related to the British Royal Family, so if anyone wants to know what the reign of Prince Harry would be like…
5. Louis the Unavoidable
Poor old Louis XVIII of France spent much of his reign in the late 18th century in exile due to the French Revolution. When things began to stabilise once after Napoleon's defeat in 1815, Louis was deemed the 'unavoidable' choice to reclaim the throne. Talk about a blow to his self-esteem!
4. Halfdan the Bad Entertainer
King of Norway, having taken over from his father King Eystein (who had an even more embarrassing nickname). His real name was Halfdan Eysteinsson, King of Uppsala, and he was said to have been a brave and brilliant warrior in battle who was something of a champion when it came to pillaging and bringing back the spoils of war to his kingdom.
So it may seem a bit strange that he wasn't known as Halfdan the Mighty or Halfdan the Brave, but ended up with a nickname that makes him sound like he was crap at charades or something.
The real reason he went down in history as The Bad Entertainer is simple: although he gifted land and money to the men who served under him in battle, he was a bit mean with the drinks and snacks when they visited him at his home.
So always break out the booze and biscuits for your visitors. If you forget, they won't.
3. Eystein the Fart
Formally known as Eystein Halfdansson (also father of Halfdan the Bad Entertainer), an 8th century king of Norway. The epithet "Fart" is usually taken to mean that he was a busybody or loudmouth, although no definitive explanation has yet been found.
He was definitely a mighty fighter, was quick to battle and had fast ships, so perhaps the nickname came about because he was so fast, it was as if he was propelled by a wind? (And the word "wind" reminded someone of "fart"?) Who knows.
2. Archibald the Loser
If you want proof that insults don't change much, there's the story of Archibald Douglas (4th Earl of Douglas, born back in 1372). He was the son of the equally unfortunately nicknamed Archibald the Grim and inherited the Earldom. So why "The Loser"?
Archibald wasn't short of bravery; he took part in numerous major battles (e.g. Homildon Hill, the Battle of Shrewsbury and the Battle of Verneuil), but he ended up on the losing side every time. He lost an eye to the English at Homildon Hill and one of his testicles (!!!) at the Battle of Shrewsbury. Maybe he was named "The Loser" because he lost bits of himself on the battlefield? Nevertheless, at the Battle of Verneuil (between England and France, 1424), he lost his life.
1. Séamus an Chaca
Alas for poor James II, perhaps England's most rubbish King. In 1685 he inherited a state that was peaceful, prosperous, and financially secure ... and yet he messed it all up faster in three years.
Never one to miss the opportunity for a strop, he chucked the Great Seal into the Thames and legged it to Ireland where he made some lovely new allies, before promptly deserting them. They showed their appreciation appropriately, and dubbed him Séamus an Chaca (or, in English, "James the S**t"). Charming!
What are some of your favourites?
Things are more settled now, of course. So ... how are Dutch monarchs becoming more Scandinavian? I'm curious. 